Been thinking a lot lately.?

So yea as the title tells you I have been thinking a lot. Ever since I was very little I have been wondering what my purpose is in life. I have a knack for art but it seems everyone wants to tell me I will be poor and starving. I know that is my future and I honestly do not care; I make art because I love it not because I want to be rich or have any sort of social status. But lately I have lost my love for creating an drawing and it feels like i'm fading away... I have no ambition and have been sleeping all day because my college classes are over and I don't have may responsibilities. Everything around me seems to not have meaning to me. I see the world as a cold dark place as of late because many of my friends I had have all abandoned me it feels like. I contact them every time I get the chance but I never get a reply from anyone. They could just be too busy with their lives, I miss them a lot because I used to hang out with them all the time. Just yesterday my last friend Jon who lived near where finally moved away to Santa Monica and is now 400 miles away. It broke my heart a bit because I knew I would never see nor talk to him again. I know that people come in and out of your life but all I have been seeing is people leaving and no one coming into mine. Sometimes I think I would be happier if i needed no one... but it is my nature to like having people around me that I can enjoy fun experiences with. I guess living in a highway town every man is a solitary man in the end since nothing ever happens here. I feel the cold grip of loneliness at my heart; mind you i have dealt with loosing people around me my whole life but it still doesn't make things easier. I have never had a romance life, mostly because women see me as a kindhearted goofball and a shoulder to cry on. But I digress it has never bothered me one bit but as I have been getting older i find myself wondering what is this emotion called 'love' and how it must feel; others say it the most wonderful thing ever to experience with another human being. I have never really felt it except with my family but it ain't exactly feel good emotion. I would call it more like tolerance than love. As time has gone by and feeling myself disappear with every passing day I feel like I am going cold inside. Been having suicidal thoughts because I don't really have a purpose or anything of great importance to accomplish here in this so called existence. I've grown tired of being here, I always said I would never want to live past 30 but now I understand why. I sensed innately that I was truly alone and my friends were merely superficial and just liked to feed off my positive vibes. I keep getting told to get a girlfriend too but goddamn it I don't want one. Simply because I know they wont really love me or care about me unless I have money... that is why my mom and dad got divorced and I had to live with a bat **** crazy ***** who was obsessed with paper printed green and possessions. I have lost my faith in the human race as well seeing all the bullshit politics, wars, disagreements over nothing, and etc. I do not want to be here because I know we are going to destroy ourselves due to all this **** but no one seems to get mad enough to start knocking off the people causing it. If life is really all flowers and sunshine that makes everyone **** rainbows daily as I have heard from people who say you shouldn't commit suicide over things like love, life, and etc. Then why do people have feelings of nothingness in this world and want to end it all? Because I have been considering taking out the ye olde 12 gauge and going out the way Kurt Cobain did because I am tired of these feelings that I am fading away and loosing interest in what I loved most... I am not the same person I was a year ago and this crisis of identity and purpose collide to make an unstable pool of volatile emotions. I can't find a reason to keep moving forward in a life where motivation is depleted in me. If anyone has a good reason why I should live and put up with this any more by all me type away. But I should have you know religious answers don't work on me because I find anything that tries to answer the unknown is all lies. If someone actually bothered to sift through this rant I salute you.